Tuesday, February 19, 2008


First of all, this is a sweet picture of Gracie twirling her dress like Cinderella does in the movie. It's hilarious to watch. She's also sporting some of my socks pulled all the way up past her knee; another one of her favorite things.

Second, thanks so much for everone's feedback. Yesterday was an overall lousy day. We all have one of those every once in a while. All I can do is try again today and that is exactly what I plan to do.

Gracie and I did have a great time at Robin's house yesterday. They have an entire front room devoted to children's toys including a small house, a small kitchen and a table and chairs. I wish so bad I could provide something like that for Gracie but that just means we are going to have to spend more time there.

Here's what happened: I have depression. I also have bi-polar tendencies although I've never been "officially" diagnosed. My bi-polar medication is extremely expensive and for our budget's sake, I took half of what I was supposed to be taking to make it last longer. This is not a good idea but thinking clearly has never been my "thing".

Anyway, I didn't have any to take on Sunday because I'd run out and couldn't pick up the replacement until yesterday. That's what made yesterday so bad. Robby says it's worth paying the $132 every month for my sanity but I feel too guilty. My dad found a lower cost substitute I'm trying and I'm praying that it will work just as well.

So today I'm using all my willpower to not over-think every situation and to just enjoy Gracie.

*On a slightly scarier note, yesterday as Gracie were parking in our covered parking spot, right in front of me were two cop cars. I saw the cops on the upper lever seraching through a woman's pockets, then handcuffing her and put her in the back of the police car. The boyfriend followed them down the stairs then sat at the bottom of them while the cops just bantered back and forth. They looked like they were laughing! It was weird.

Then, later that afternoon Gracie and I were playing at the park right outside our door and I saw the boyfriend go into our neighbor's apartment, who was pretty sketchy to begin with. I have no idea what is going on or why she was arrested but I'd like to so I can know what to look for. She was in our same building, for crying out loud.


crazy lady said...

I thought Gracie had on some of those 70's dancer leggings. That IS a cute pic!
I'm glad you figured out something for the meds. It DOES make a huge difference when you don't have the stuff you need to get your chemical balance right. It has nothing to do with any kind of fault or weakness on your part. It's all chemistry. (Yikes! I am not good with that or math...)
Anyway, I hope you'll be kind to yourself. And you are right, everyday is new opportunity and there is no point beating yourself up over what is in the past.

Sadie said...

I absolutley love that pic of Gracie. The socks are perfect!

emidinkl said...

Here's a little game I like to play. I think, "Self? If I knew someone who was feeling exactly how I am feeling right now, what would I want to say to them?".--- It is always something very kind and gentle, because we all like to be kind to others when they are in pain. Then, I tell myself those very things that I would say to that person. Remember to be gentle with yourself. We are always A LOT harder on ourselves than we would EVER be with anyone else.

Martha said...

that is a cute picture of Gracie..

Karen said...

I love the game that emidinkl plays. We should all play that.

Tina McKinnon said...

I agree with emidinkl.... Great way to handle yourself... I sure wish I had the magical key to your 'relief box'... I agree with whoever commented yesterday regarding grief and how the grief of losing a loved one never goes completely away... even on a day when you haven't thought of it every second, it's there, waiting to surface... but time does 'soften' the hurt and the longing a bit... How much time needed for this is what is diffrent for everyone... this is one of those things we can't compare ourselves with someone else's experience... The super painful times, when tears are sooo close to the surface, start coming farther apart and less intense. Those times will sometimes surface from some unknown place and bite you on the fanny at the most unexpected times, but then you will say, "Wow, where did that come from?" and feel it for a little while and then it slips back into the shadowy recesses of your mind and emotions where you can deal with them. My sister has been gone for 27 years, my parents for 16 and 14 years, and Kristi for almost 3, and every once in a while, the emotions still grab me out of no where! Don't beat yourself up because those feelings are still so raw and tender. LET yourself feel them. Don't try to be something you think someone else expects you to be at any given time. Cry like crazy if you feel like it or want to or NEED to! God gave us tear ducts for a reason... they are pressure-relief valves! Let them blow if you need to... there is nothing wrong with that. It is such a cleansing effect. I'm anxious for you to find joy in your life and be able to feel good about yourself again. We love you and want the best for you... but only on your own timetable. Consider yourself hugged! xoxox Mom McK.

KatieJ said...

So I finally went to the park on Monday and no one else was there! When we were just about to leave I discoverd Jill and Cohen too. Oh well, maybe next week- don't beat yourself up, keep on those meds though, and don't feel guilty about it! You are worth it and your family needs you. I hope the stuff your dad found works out.