Friday, February 29, 2008

Craving

I just woke up from a dream that was so strange, I feel I have to share it.

*I was at Robby's Grandma's house and it was my birthday so Christmas decorations were up and my presents were wrapped in Christmas paper. Everyone from my family was there, extended included, and everyone from Robby's family, too. There were tons of people.

I was sitting by the tree getting ready to unwrap my presents and I found two stockings underneath the tree, both for me, both different colors. I decided I'd start with those. People were coming in and out and some were sitting in an overflow room watching me. It seemed chaotic around me, but my feeling was neutral (I hate feeling rushed and stressed in dreams; I wake up all frazzled).

So I started with the first stocking that was green. The first thing I pulled out was a candy cane. Then, I pulled the top of the stocking down and a newborn baby was in there. It was dressed as a boy, but for some reason I knew it was a girl. She was so beautiful and I was so happy, I cried and kissed the baby. But I knew I wasn't going to be able to keep her so I passed her to someone else and got my other stocking.

This stocking was red and I pulled out another candy cane. Then, I pulled the top down to reveal another baby. This one was also dressed as a boy but looked completely different from the first. It had blood coming from it's nose and mouth, one eye was replaced by a bloody flap of skin, and one ear was lower than the other. I acted excited but I was really confused. By then, the first baby was passed into the overflow room and I wanted to hold her but didn't want to seem ungrateful for this deformed baby I was holding.

It was somehow explained to me that they dressed the babies as boys to help me feel more like they were Gus. The deformed baby was some woman's that I didn't know. When I asked who the first baby belonged to, someone said, "I'm not sure, I think it's Stephanie's." I thought there was no way it was Stella. She's my favorite little 3 month old baby and I've got her little face memorized.

Both babies were put on a chair in the overflow where I could see them but for some reason I couldn't hold them. I longed to go pick up the first baby but it didn't seem polite for me to prefer one over the other. All I remember after that was that I cried while reading all my birthday cards.*

What could this dream possibly mean? I've been so baby hungry the past couple weeks and it's such a foreign feeling to me. I've never ached for a baby this way because it's so easy for me to get pregnant, there's no need.

I could get pregnant now if we decided to but my pregnancies are so hard on my body and my Post Partum Depression is so bad, I don't know when I'll be ready to do that again. (Not to mention all the monetary reasons we can't have one right now.) I thought the best time to have another baby would be when Gracie was old enough to go to school but that would put them so far apart and I've always wanted my kids close.

It certainly wouldn't be the end of the world if Gracie was our only child, nor would it be if we had two kids 10 years apart. Well, that's all I'm going to worry about it right now. I'm just going to have to hold babies more often.

Get ready, Stella!

9 comments:

Sadie said...

That is a strange dream, but I think we all have over the top dreams sometimes. Well, I know I do. And sometimes they don't mean anything at all, unless you want them to. You can always find meaning in them that hopefully helps you out in some way. (am I making sense, cuz I'm getting a little confused myself) Don't have anymore like that though, kay?

Karen said...

Maybe it means that you are already looking forward to your next birthday! Maybe it means that you don't want to admit that you like my kids more than Julies! Maybe it means that you are tired of only getting cards for your birthday.

I don't know, it could mean a million things I suppose. But I say that if you've decided that now is not a good time to have an additional family member (for all of the reasons that you listed), then just be at peace with that for awhile and it'll all work out.

Stephanie said...

she's ready.

that was a crazy dream.

Kelsey said...

There's a radio show on AM radio that has a guy who interprets dreams. A couple years ago I kept having dreams where I was getting murdered by various different men. It got so bad that I decided to give the guy a call. He interpreted the dreams and once I dealt with the underlying issue (which was dealing with my father), the dreams abruptly stopped. I was pretty impressed with that. Unfortunately, it's been long enough that I have no idea who it was I called or when the show is on. But it may be worth doing a little research to find out.

So... that's my story. Your dream sounds pretty wild.

Lyndsay said...

I have the strangest dreams all the time. Sometimes I wish I didn't. It seems like maybe you dreamed about two babies because it echoes your own life. You have the stablility of knowing Gracie is a healthy little girl, and also the sadness of losing Gus. And unfortunately dreams seem to interpret our saddest memories in unexplained and sometimes frightening ways (like Kelsey said). It's not that the babies in the dream represent your children, but maybe they are a manifestation of your worries or subconscious at the moment.

OR it could just mean you are a little sad the holiday gift-giving season has come to a close and you are craving candy canes. I am totally fascinated by dreams. But seeing as I am not an expert in any medical or psychological profession, I should probably stop giving my "expert" opinion. :)

Mrs. Dub said...

Since Zee's birth, I've had some crazy dreams about babies dying, getting kidnapped, etc. I've heard that's normal but it doesn't make sleeping very appealing. (On the other hand, Mr. Dub is finally glad I'm willing to stay up and watch movies with them.)

I don't know what your dream means, but I do know that babies come no matter when we're ready. So the fact that you are hungry for one is great ... whether you satisfy that craving now or never.

Meredith said...

huh, that is weird. But very vivid!
About the baby stuff..have you ever thought about adoption? I only ask cause you said you have such hard pregnancies and PPD so bad.
We adopted our kids, so Im all for it, but I know people arent, so if that is your answer, i understand :)
If you went the LDS social services route, it wouldnt be to expensive ( I work for an agency,but its really expensive!!)
Anyways I just wanted to throw that out. Maybe for now, maybe for later

emidinkl said...

We are thinking about you. I'm just so impressed how many people you have around you willing to help and interpret strange dreams. Very cool.

KatieJ said...

That is a disturbing dream- I can see why it stuck with you! I know it's not at all the same, but after I had my first miscarriage, I had a lot of horrible disturbing dreams about deformed and dying babies, and kittens. I think it was just me being worried about if I would ever have a healthy baby, but I didn't like those dreams.