Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Impending Doom

I woke up at 5:30 this morning and was sure that Gus' birthday was this Sunday and I was so relieved that Robby would be with me. Minutes later, I realized it's not until next Sunday and I won't be with Robby on that day. It might not be significant but my stomach tells me otherwise.

While Gracie played in the living room today, I hugged her and cried for a few minutes. She let me and seemed to know it was what I needed.

I can't quite get a grip on this whole anniversary year. My chest is constantly tied up in knots and my throat is regularly pushing down the tears. I get angry from out of nowhere. I've never been angry about losing Gus before but I am feeling it now. He was too perfect but he was my too perfect. Couldn't I just enjoy him a little longer?

I don't know how to get through this. I feel the pain building and tears coming but I do not want to acknowledge it. I remember my legs buckling those two significant times: The first after the initial news and the second while I stood over my son's casket and my family member's held me up. It's too hard to feel again. How long would it take me to get through it this time? How long would I be a zombie and no help to anyone?

Hug your babies and tell them you love them.

Remember the severe importance of your family.

18 comments:

Tina said...

I wish I had just the right words for you.... but I don't. Just know that you are loved...

Martha said...

I wish I could give you the right words to calm you down, but I don't either. Just know that I am praying for you during this hard time.

Serina said...

Just know that our thoughts and prayers are with you always. We love you.

Amber said...

Oh Mel, my heart is breaking for you all over again. I cannot even begin to imagine what you've been through and what you're going through. I don't have the words either, but you are certainly always in my prayers.

J&A said...

I don't understand either...
it all seems very unfair.

Leigh Anna said...

Love you

Meredith said...

Im so sorry you are having such a hard time. Dont be hard on your self though, time will heal things, but you need your time to get through things. Hang in there and know there are a TON of people there for you to listen and we all understand. You are in my prayers.

Sadie said...

Love you, Mel. I love that you are strong enough to talk about it and post pics. Although you may feel weak and floundering, your ability to discuss little Gus and show us his beautiful pictures tell me otherwise. Scream and cry, it's good for you.

Anonymous said...

Mel - try to remember how far you have come, love and prayers are always being sent to you from SO many people who love you. Deb Hooper

stephanie said...

oh mel, we're thinking about you!

Lyndsay said...

We all miss you back in Mesa! You are a strong girl, Mel. You do an amazing job.

AmyK said...

You have such an awesome family support system. I don't know that it will ever go away, but last year (6th birthday) was the first year Butter's birthday passed and I didn't realize it. Eventually life starts to move faster and you're able to move on with it. I wish I could hug you and make the pain go away, for both of us.

The McKinnon 4 said...

I cant imagine what you must be going through right now. Please know that you are in my prayers and thoughts. Please let me know if there is ever anything you need.

Diane said...

We have not met but I have been reading your blog for a little while. I just want you to know that I have thought about you every single day ever since then. You are so strong and I am certain that you must be someone special to have been chosen to be an earthly mother to your sweet Gus. Take care, you are loved.

Mrs. Dub said...

Obviously I don't know what to say because I'm dreading my impending due date, which is even less significant than Gus' birthday. I do know that you should just let yourself grieve naturally, which I think you've mostly done so far. It hurts so bad, but I have to think it will lessen the pain as time goes on. Others might not understand - and will likely rush you - but you must be true to yourself and true to Gus.

And remember - you'll never get over it, you'll just get through it. Unfortunately, life experiences like this linger forever, but over time the bitter thoughts will be replaced with sweet memories.

Becky said...

I'm so sorry. It must be so hard.

The Queen said...

First, I must say that that is one cute picture. I mean, look at that expression. Those eyes that say, "Mommy, why are you taking my picture... again??" That nose and those sweet little lips. So adorable.

Secondly, this really, really sucks. Big time. And it will suck for a really long time. It will come and go, and come and go some more. It won't ever stop hurting, but you will be able to deal with it better eventually.

The Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep organization has a forum on there for parents who have lost their baby. I don't know if you have checked it out or not but that might be of some help to you. I also have a couple of friends who have lost a child. I don't know if you have anyone who has gone through this as well that you can talk to, but if not and you would like I can put you in contact with them.

((Hugs))

hillary said...

Sorry I haven't commented earlier than now, sis, I haven't been online much the past couple weeks so I'm just getting caught up. I've been thinking so much about you and about Gus and I was so glad to see that you had posted about him and about how you're feeling and what you're thinking. I'm sure it's good for you to get it out and it's good for me and those of us who love you to be able to read so we can know how you're feeling and express our support and love to you. I don't know how you're going to get through everything coming up. It makes me so sad to think about. And what can be done for you or Robby or any of us to make it easier? I don't know, not much, I suppose. It's so hard. But I do know that by taking the time to do what you're doing, "soul searching", you are taking a big step in being able to get through this and other tough times that come up. You are so strong. I'm so proud of you, sis. I think of you and pray for you often. Looking forward to seeing you and hugging you soon. Love, Hill