Saturday, July 19, 2008

A New Baby

(Thanks Getty Images for the awesome pic.)

I learned a lot on my trip to Utah. The soul searching was very effective and I found almost exactly what I was looking for.

The past year has been filled with random yearnings and physical torture to hold my baby in my arms. They ached so badly, I was sure the only way to get rid of it was by having another baby right away. Thank goodness I never could get myself to actually go through with it, as it was too scary a concept for me.

My thoughts were filled with question after question: "What if the next baby dies?" "Should I ever have another baby?" "What would Gracie think about being an only child?" "Could I even handle another one?" "When will the time ever be right if we do decide to have another one?"

We are just flying by the seat of our pants as far as family planning goes. From the beginning of our marriage, we never knew how many kids we wanted and still have no idea. If Gus would have lived, he would have been our last, at least until he started Kindergarten. But I was pretty confident he was our last. I paid attention to every movement he made to try to keep the memory of a baby in my tummy.

When Gus died, Robby was pretty confident we would never have another baby and I came around to the idea to the point where I was trying to figure out how Gracie would be as an only child. But when I was in Utah, the moment I found myself and what I really wanted was the moment I knew another baby was waiting to be sent to our family. I was so grateful because I can now confidently say we will have another baby.

After Gracie is potty trained and started and secure in preschool or maybe even pre-K, we will be ready to bring another baby into our family. All the dreaded questions are still there but the one I'm focusing on the most is what to name this baby, as that is always to most stressful part for me. But for now, I'm grateful for my plan that was established prayerfully so there can be no question in my mind as to whether it is the right decision for our eternal family.

I don't know what I would do without the gospel.


Frost Family said...

I'm so happy to hear you found your answer and that you are feeling some peace!! What a huge blessing!! Good luck with the name picking, that is rough. I just found out that the name I have picked out for our baby (Landon) means "meadow"...lame, I'm going to try to forget that. Also, the middle name "James" means "substitute"...I can't win on this one.

Tina said...

Tears came to my eyes as I read this. I'm so happy for you that you have found some comfort and peace... Just take things one day at a time... and don't hold yourself to a definite timetable, as things changes. Just let the Spirit be your guide... maybe coming to the realization that there will, in fact, be another baby, was the Lord's 'first step' with you and your getting use to and comfortable with the idea of another baby and that His timetable may move differently than you at first think... forward or backward... you'll know. xox

Amber said...

Mel, I'm so happy for you that you've found an answer you've been looking for and that you've come to it in a way that leaves you absolutely certain that it's right. You sounnd like you made SO much progress in Utah toward finding yourself and your peace again. You're still in my thoughts and prayers!

Meredith said...

yeah Im so happy for you! It is so hard to know when to be done. There are times i think NO WAY could I have another one, but am I saying that because my kids are yelling and hitting, or because Heavenly Father says Im done. Its hard! So, good job to you for figuring that out! And knowing that just because there is another baby for you guys, you dont have to have it NOW...wait, enjoy Gracie and then enjoy the next baby!

Kelsey said...

You are one tough cookie. If my pregnancies were even half as difficult as yours, I think I would have had thrown in the towel after the first kid. But luckily you can see the bigger picture. And good luck with the potty training. Let me know if you find something that works, because I could sure use some advice for Chloe.

Sadie said...

Mel, I'm so glad that you found so much peace while soul searching. Family support is incomparable to any other therapy out there. You're so strong. It's amazing to me. I'm so happy for your decision of another baby. What does Robby think about it?

emidinkl said...

When the time is right, you know you will have much support. I'm so grateful you have found a measure of peace. I don't know what I would do without the gosple either: )