Saturday, August 22, 2009

The Glass is Still Half Full

Did you know that I'm physically unable to stop myself from crying if I am a few days away from a period? TMI? Well, that's how I roll. You knew what I was when you picked me up.

Today, I cried while making lunch. I cried because the dishes in the dishwasher are clean and I wasn't taking them out. Doing my very best not to feel sorry for myself, I started to unload, became overwhelmed, and continued to cry. (I think that is the dumbest thing ever.)

That is my life. Anxiety consumes me on occasion and I freeze up or collapse. I have worked very hard over the past 7 months to try not to be that person. I was sure I could overcome my anxiety. While I'm getting better at controlling myself when it sneaks up on me, the episodes still come and go without my permission.

I really did start to listen to those who would say, "Walk it off!" "It's all in your head!" "Think of what our ancestors went through!" These people still yell at me in my head every so often. I think they certainly have a point. I tried to do every single one of those things. You can ask Robby, I gave it a good solid effort. I've broken down but that doesn't mean I've given up.

I don't have to be normal. I have several issues with my brain that I am dealing with and because the problem is in my brain, I can't think well enough to find the solutions I need so desperately. I tried to be the type of wife/mother I'd seen from other amazing women. But I am me. I have different strengths and plenty of weaknesses that are specific to my life.

I may not be as strong as most women. In fact, I know that I am not. But that is ok. I just have to be as strong as my family needs me to be. I lose my focus every once in a while and get frustrated by the fact that I can't do more for my family. That's where depression seeps in and negativity takes over.

I can rise above that. I will not let me crying over being unable to do the dishes unravel my entire perspective on life. I can be as strong as I need to. But right now, I'm going to take a little break because I know forcing myself right now wouldn't be a good idea. I just have to set a time frame for that break. I have a few hours to recuperate but when my alarm goes off, I will get up and move no matter what is going on. "Don't think, just do." -Ma Holmes

Rereading this whole post makes me feel insane. But this is who I am. Why try to be something I'm not? Especially when it causes so many problems in the wake of not taking care of myself.

What do you gather from this post? I'm curious to know what an outsider sees.


Tina said...

Darling picture of Gracie....
Your post? Well... it makes me grateful for MY struggles...
Love you.

Jenna said...

I think just acknowledging and owning your weaknesses is a big step in the right direction. So, you're not normal - who is? I think my feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing make their appearance when I start comparing myself to others and I find I'll just never measure up. Lately I've decided this: SO WHAT! So I have bad days. Owning them, acknowledging them, and doing MY best to deal with them makes them not so overwhelming. Your mom has helped me so much to work through my own personal issues. I think her advice is perfectly fitting. I think you've come a long way, babe. And I love you and admire you for it.

Leigh Anna said...

What do I gather from this post...I gather you are in need of a girls weekend: shopping, ice cream, prank calling boys. Yes, I think a girls weekend should be a goal of ours. Love you.

Sarah-Olivia said...

Actually, this was exactly what I needed to read today! I am having one of those days, I feel the anxiety tightening in my chest, I see the mess from our recent camp trip I have still not cleaned up, I see ALL the projects I need to finish and wonder why I can't do everything I want to do which make me more depressed and anxious and the cycle doesn't end usually until I have a complete bawling screaming into my pillow fit. I hate it! But reading this, it is nice to know that someone else feels the sameish. I don't know why knowing that gives me a little more strength to face today and tonight.

Kelsey said...

Finally catching up on blogs. Sort of.

As if bleeding for a week and getting cramps and bloating wasn't enough, for some cruel reason, we also get the added bonus of being ridiculously over-emotional the week before said horrible events. Considering the other option, I'm sure glad I'm a woman, but some days I gotta wonder...

Don't beat yourself up about being emotional, and comparing yourself to other woman is only going to set yourself up for disappointment. You don't REALLY know how your ancestors felt or dealt with things. You know certain facts, and things they wrote, but who knows how honest they were being in their writing.

Anyway, I'm glad i'm not alone in crying at seemingly insignificant issues. I just did that last night.

janel said...

Mel I just love that you are honest about who you are and what real life is all about. And that's really taking the good with the bad, I don't know why we all get are individual weaknesses and trials and sometimes mine get the best of me. But for me it's using the atonement and that idea of a new beginning and the constant reasurrance that we will not be pushed beyond that which we are able to bear. I love and hate that because often I think it's more than I can bear but that's when I can only turn to one person who completely understands. Unfortunately I don't have any other new or great advice just to keep walking forward and try a little bit each day and somehow you've walked miles from where you used to be! Let me know if you need anything I love you!