Monday, September 14, 2009

A Big Decision

Gracie and cousin Tessa

Before I went to Utah, Robby and I made a big decision. Ever since we lost Gus, I've been utterly confused at the prospect of having another baby. Rational thought gives way to irrational feelings and vice versa. It's been a crazy roller coaster from the very first day.

Rational thought and sheer terror won out in the end. We decided to postpone making a decision about having another baby for at least 3 to 4 years, 5 at the most. I'm now sporting an IUD and will be completely off the pill in a few days. This is expected to do wonders for my hormonal therapy, and that is all I can ask from the situation.

It's paralyzing for me to think about being pregnant or getting pregnant or taking the steps it would require to get pregnant. For almost a year after Gus' death, I was sure that his loss hadn't affected the way I thought about having babies, because I knew what happened had happened for a reason. My thinking seemed to be, "So if it does happen again, I know how to be prepared and I will just understand immediately that it's all part of my plan, and I'll move on."

But it takes me real effort to continue to see the eternal aspect of my familial situation. To have a little peace on a daily basis requires serious concentration and humility. I haven't accepted that the next baby I have will die and I haven't decided that there's no way Heavenly Father would let that happen to me again. I don't know if either one of these are true and there will never be a way for me to know.

So, to reduce and control stress, we decided to put off the decision for a few years until I can have long periods of practical sanity. I feel good about this decision.

4 comments:

Jillsywillsy said...

I love my IUD. You might be in pain for a little while but I haven't had a period in many, many months. It is great.

by the way, I love Coke Zero Cherry now, thanks to you.

Natalie said...

I got my IUD after Sydney was born. I'm a fan. (Not of the putting-in process, but the after-a-couple-months part.)

Leigh Anna said...

I want to see pictures from your exciting weekend!

Devin and Chelsey said...

Good for you. That must have been a hard decision to make, but I'm sure that's the right decision for you until you feel your time is right. If you plan on not doing it, it takes the stress off. Good for you guys!