Tuesday, April 6, 2010

My Mood Disorder

I'm an unstable person. I take medications to regulate my moods. Currently, I'm considered bipolar. There is no strong evidence against it so I have no option but to try and treat this illness. Sometimes the medication works. Sometimes I feel great, like I could tackle anything. But a lot of the time I feel hopeless and can't think clearly. There is nothing to do but try to treat the symptoms I seem to have.

I've been dealing with depression and its repercussions for 10 years now and right now I don't feel any closer to sanity. I have my moments but mostly I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster blindfolded, so I have no idea how to know or brace for what is coming. The past 3 months have been a negative cycle for me.

I've been trying to map out my emotions and feelings so I can get a better sense of when something might affect me, but this time last year, I was doing great. I'm clearly not affected by the seasons and each cycle is so different from the other, I hardly know what I'm dealing with. I'm hoping to start a more positive cycle right now but I'm finding that my control over the elements in my brain is basically non-exisistant.

I feel cloudy and fuzzy and can't find a clear thought to save my life. So I press on. I'm not giving up but I have no idea how to deal with what I'm feeling right now. I hate when I feel like I have to babysit myself.


Jill said...

Sucks dude. Although I think my moods are less severe that what you deal with, the best medicine for me is to get out of the house and focus on something else. Does that work for you? Plan something to do each morning so you have a reason to get up and get ready and leave the house. Thats what works for me.

Hang in there.

Lyndsay said...

Hang in there, Mel! Wish I could see you more often. It was SO great to see you when we were in Mesa.

Lots of love!

Karen said...

I personally enjoy the thrill of a blindfolded roller-coaster ... and I have to babysit myself daily! None of us were made perfect ... but you are dang close in my eyes.

Endure to the end (of the day) little Missy. That's all you need to do.