Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Evee & Progress

I met little baby Evee while we were visiting the family in Utah. She is the cutest little elfkin you ever did meet. She sits so patiently on the lap of whoever is holding her and smiles brightly when you tickle her. I don't know if I've ever met a happier baby.

When I found out that my younger sister, Mary, was pregnant last fall, it upset me. I'd also found out several of my other friends and family members were due the next spring. I was so irritated with myself that I was actually bothered by other women having babies. Because my logical thoughts are telling me: "You can get pregnant and have a baby any time you want to." "Just because someone else is having a baby shouldn't affect you for any reason." "You aren't ready to have another baby right now so why are you getting upset that everyone else continues to live their lives?" "You are being irrational and emotional so stop letting that confuse and upset you."

I have been pretty baby shy since we lost Gus and I think for good reason. All babies at his age when he died pretty much look the same so I could see him in every newborn baby. I'd done well avoiding any serious contact with a baby but I knew when my sister was pregnant that I would have to see that baby at some point. It wasn't that I didn't want to meet my niece, it was just the baby factor.

I think things are getting better because I did well most of the vacation having a baby around. And I'd held another friend's baby boy that I was scared to death of meeting when he was only a couple weeks old and my chest did not cave in from pain. I consider this progress. Now that I can actually see that I'm making some, it makes it a little bit easier to face the summer filled with Gus anniversaries. I can feel a little more grounded and a little bit more in control. If only for now.

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