Friday, December 17, 2010

Sometimes I Get Angry

I love Gracie. I did a lot to get her into this world including bed rest and 20+ hours of labor. It's nice to see the fruits of my literal labor every day.

I also went through a lot to get Gus into this world. Much more than I ever thought I'd need to. His entry included hospitalization, bed rest, separation from my family, and a traumatic delivery. I worked so hard to get him here and endured so much. Then I was completely screwed when he was taken away from me.

Remembering each and every emotion and event that occurred during that time sometimes makes me angry that I do not have him. I feel like I at least deserve a son out of that experience I endured. But my arms are empty and my family feels incomplete. It's frustrating.

Thinking about another baby brings a lot of this to my mind. The thoughts, emotions and possible events that go along with pregnancy, delivery and raising another child, my first thought is usually, "I'd rather just have Gus!" Realizing that is impossible, I then think, "Who is to say the next baby won't die and all my hard work will seemingly be in vain?" I know the odds are astronomical and I could probably rest easily with that knowledge, but I don't rest easy at all.

So when it's right to have another baby, while I accept the challenge, I still have to feel the anger that comes with remembering the loss of Gus. It never lasts long, I just wish I had him so much.


Lauren said...

Your Gus posts always touch my heart. Though I haven't experienced a loss like that at all, I imagine anger is very healthy emotion to be feeling. I'm glad you're letting yourself feel it. And I can't imagine how scary it would be to have another newborn. I'm sure its going to be hard. At least you have lots of good supportive people in your life, at least so it seems from reading you blog.

aj said...

I just want to know what is going on with the person in the picture behind Gracie? Is he/she (?) wearing jeans, a mini apron &...nothing? Do they have a really big arm? I'm confused.

melmck said...

That's me standing behind her folding my arms, green shirt above the folded arms, jeans below. Does that make sense?