Saturday, June 11, 2011

Emotions @ 12 Weeks

I'm now 12 weeks pregnant, which means that the chance of miscarriage drops significantly. I'm grateful I've made it this far but honestly, I am scared to death of actually having this baby. A little part of me was thinking that miscarriage was the only way out, and now that door is pretty much closed.

Don't misunderstand: I'm thrilled to be having another baby. But after my most recent experience with a newborn, it seems only natural that I have some hesitations and worries, like any mom would. When baby Grant was here, I was holding him and suddenly had the panicky feeling in my chest and horrible thought, "What if he just stops breathing while he's here?" It took me a couple minutes to recover from that awful feeling. It feels like I already lost one baby under my watch, why shouldn't I lose another one?

I know this is totally irrational and my hormones are doing some absurd things to my body right now, but I feel like I need to be open to and explore all the negative feelings I might have to make sure I've covered all my bases and I know how I feel about everything I can before the baby gets here. It's certainly not a fool-proof plan, but it will work for me.

In other news, Gracie calls the baby Zip. As Jo Jo was Gracie's in-utero name, and Gus was Johnny, so shall No. 3 be Zip.


Claytie and Suzie said...

Think you are doing great and I think writing your emotions down makes them seem a little more manageable somehow. Those moments of panic-y feelings must be a very scary. Love you! Zip's an awesome name! Hailey had an in-utero name too: Elsie!

Tina McKinnon said...

Zip... I love it! You and Zip are going to be just fine... Try to relax and enjoy the journey.