Thursday, November 10, 2011

Terror Mixed with Peace

July 2007

The past couple days have been really hard. For some reason, I haven't been able to think about anything but the potential loss of Pearl, the baby I'm currently growing. I've hit a wall where my mind is telling me it's going to happen so I better prepare. But I don't want to prepare.

This is ridiculous! Logically, I know how slim the chances of losing another baby are, but my heart doesn't seem to understand the statistics. At all. I don't think my heart is even trying to understand the logic of the situation. And that is incredibly frustrating, after all the work I've done to get to the place that does understand.

It really bothers me that I've been thinking about losing Pearl so much because a) it does no one any good, b) I like to be logical and these thoughts are not logical, and c) there is nothing to be done about it; if it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen. I also was so sure that I'd be prepared to lose this baby the way I lost Gus because I'd been through it all before.

Turns out, I've become more attached to Pearl in utero than I have with any of my other children, and the thought of losing her along with all the things I want to learn about her just makes me crazy. I do not want to lose another child and I feel very strongly about that. Now that I've seen what it's like to raise a daughter to almost 6 years old, all I want is to be able to see what different joys and challenges Pearl might bring us over the next 6 years.

I can think of nothing but begging Heavenly Father not to take this child, however useless it may be. I don't control anything and have to be prepared for whatever, I'm just finding it difficult to be prepared for the worst case scenario, like I usually dutifully try to do.

But I don't wanna do it. I want to keep and raise this baby. I want her to be Gracie's little sister. I want Gracie to have a sibling. I want to enjoy this child. I want to tell her about her brother Gus someday. I want to watch her personality shine through as she grows. I just want to keep her, and I'm terrified I may not get to.

But here is the answer I've been given: Fill your lamp with oil. Store up as much reserve as you can of spiritual strength to help you through the next few months. It's gonna be hard. It's gonna be terrifying. The only way to keep your sanity is to be spiritually prepared for whatever may come because there is no way to be mentally or physically prepared.

That brings me peace. I know that I can survive whatever life throws at me if I can keep my faith in Heavenly Father and tuck some of that spiritual strength and knowledge away to use when I really need it. That's the only way any of us can survive life's trials. I can be irrational all I want, as long as I'm daily and continuously filling my spiritual reserves to strengthen me when I need them. I'm so grateful for my faith. I'd fall apart without it.


Tina McKinnon said...

I'm sorry you're struggling. Life is good and life is hard sometimes. Living with 'what-ifs' is especially difficult. I'm sure the fear of a repeat is really weighing on you. I guess all any of us can do with life's uncertainies is pray, "Thy will be done, and please bless me with comfort and peace." Try to enjoy each moment of Today... each of Pearl's movements, each bit of insight you get into her personality from within, and each day with Gracie & Robby. Like you said, there's nothing you can do about what the future may or may not bring, so don't lose Today worrying about Tomorrow. I know, easier said than done. You'll be fine regardless of what's to come. (which I'm sure is joy, happiness and pure delight in your little girls.)

Neff Family said...

That is so hard. You can't deal with logic when it involves the heart. I've never experienced a loss like this, but I do know that it's ok to give into those emotions once in a while. It's much healthier than burying them. What happened was real. Your fears are real. Your emotions are real. I think you're a pretty brave woman (what I've gotten to know so far.) Keep up the good fight.