Friday, January 13, 2012

Life With a New Baby

This little girl has kept me on a pretty tight leash. She can't sleep during the day for longer than 20 minutes if I'm not holding her so I'm hustlin to get this posted. It's great, though. I love holding her and rocking her and singing to her.

Since she's been here, I've been constantly amazed at how this little person has me so enchanted with her and has also somehow changed the way I feel about my other children. I'm more patient with Gracie than ever, even if it's still not quite enough. And I keep wondering how crazy I must have been to send my children away, both at such a young age, for an undetermined amount of time. My heart aches thinking about that past situation and I know there is no possible way I would be able to do that now.

Pearl stays in my sight and I like it that way. I like to be able to hear her breathing from wherever I am, especially at night. I could never sleep with my other babies in my room because they slept so loudly. Pearl also sleeps loudly, but I can't imagine not having her 3 feet away from me. It's bizarre how much has changed since my other children. I never thought I would be this way. When I lay Pearl down at night after feeding her, I like to lay awake for a while just so I can listen to her breathing. It's remarkably comforting.

From the instant I was able to hold her, she has brought me immense amounts of joy and comfort. I can't explain the longing my arms have felt over these past 4 1/2 years and I honestly didn't realize it myself until I held my little girl. All I wanted to do at first was hold her and that feeling hasn't let up yet. I know I'm going to have to let her cry it out soon, but I'm waiting until she is at least a month or so. Eventually I'm going to need to get things done, but I don't feel that need yet and I'm going to savor every moment I have with Pearl at this age.

She's such a blessing. She brings me a happiness and comfort I never imagined I'd ever have. It makes everything I've been through worth it just to have these moments of sweetness and gratitude. And I feel like I have another chance at being a better mother to Gracie. While I never appreciated her at Pearl's age, I can appreciate and love her now and be more patient with her. It's challenging but something has changed in me and I feel like I'm in the process of becoming the mother I've always wanted to be.

3 comments:

Cody and Erica said...

How sweet! I'm glad you are enjoying your little one. They really do grow up fast. Maybe you can send me some of your patience. You are a great person!!

stephanie said...

mel, this is all i've ever wanted for you. i'm so happy you have your pearl.

Tina McKinnon said...

Your words warm my heart... I am so glad you have these feelings, recognize them and can share them with us. We love you!!