Thursday, March 1, 2012

Finding Peace in Losing Gus

It's been a bit of a rough week for me. My friend's sister died last weekend. I didn't know her super well but I know a lot of her family members and I love them. I didn't think the actual death was affecting me until I noticed I was crying every day for no conceivable reason.

I thought of Gus and of his death and of the loss and emptiness I've felt and it was so hard for me not to feel angry, though I know it does no good. I sometimes just want to clench my fists and scream at the sheer injustice of it all, and this week was one of those times.

I feel like I'm so trained to accept things as they come and be understanding of Heavenly Father's plan that I immediately feel guilty when I do start to ask "Why?" and question His motives. I'm grateful for this training because otherwise I would make rash, stupid decisions without thinking about the necessary long-term consequences. Still, I feel like since I have handled the pain, and handled it well, that I deserve some time to question and doubt and feel anger and resentment.

As a knee-jerk reaction to a loved one's death, I can only imagine this would be a bad thing because no one can be thinking clearly at a time like that. But after 4 1/2 years of answers to prayers, spiritual guidance, feeling His overwhelming and enveloping love, and countless other personal experiences, I think my testimony is strong enough to withstand a few moments of frustration.

Yet, as I write this, listing all the wonderful things I've been blessed with since losing Gus, I don't see how I could doubt or be frustrated with His plan. The truth of the situation is: Life is hard. Being alive, in general, is just hard. I'm constantly looking for moments of clarity and peace and they are extremely elusive. But they are there.

All I have to do is not lose hope during the hard parts in life, and I'm almost always rewarded with a genuinely sweet and good moment. Coming to the realization that life is like 70% hard and 30% great was hard in this world of: "I should feel great all the time." But it's the healthiest approach to life I've ever taken.

So, it's gonna hurt when I think about Gus but I know this can only be for my good. Gus has already made me a better person by being the one place I know I have to work extra hard and to live a good life so that I can see him again someday. And I know I needed that. Maybe that's why we lose our children: to become better people on earth so we are worthy to meet their perfect spiritual state in heaven.


Neff Family said...

Mel, this post made me cry. I think it's perfectly fine to question, "Why?" Even Joseph Smith asked Heavenly Father "Why?" I love His answer. He doesn't tell him why, but he does give him peace, and a reminder of all the wonderful people in his life. I hear that in your post. You're very blessed. You're incredible. If you need some time, bring the girls over! Brett loves holding babies when I can't, and we have the time travel chair all set up for Gracie. Love you.

Lyndsay said...

Great post, Mel. Thanks and I love you!

Tiff Moser said...

Wow, such a great post. Made me emotional. You are STRONG! You are an elect example. Luvs

Anonymous said...

you're a great writer, Mel. you have a gift for expression of words and honestly.

love you, girlie.

amy k