Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Precious Children



I found out this afternoon that a family in my ward lost their young son early this morning. My heart immediately broke. I was overwhelmed with so many thoughts and emotions that I did not really know how to handle so I just cried and cried.

For my friend and her family, I know so much of what they must be going through right now and it is a literal type of hell. I'm taken back to the first day after Gus' death and the emotions feel almost as raw as ever. The fact that someone I know and see on a weekly basis could be dealing with those same emotions, or worse, brings me a deeper, different kind of sadness I've never known before.

I'm confused and unsure of what it is I'm supposed to be feeling right now. I feel like I should take this as any other sad news of someone I know, but it feels different and closer and more difficult, for some reason. I feel selfish that I'm only thinking about myself and how this is affecting me right now, but I also feel like if I don't get a handle on my own emotions, I'll be no good to anyone, especially my own family who still very much needs me.

I'm really just free writing here to see if I can get a handle on things. I'll take a break for now.

Mostly, I just need to write down how much I love my children and how sad I am that one is still missing from our physical family. It's still so hard, yet I'm so thankful for my girls. The sadness/happiness balance I maintain on a daily basis is just leaning more toward the sadness for now.

Thank goodness for those two smiling girls up there. How can you not smile right back at them?

2 comments:

Neff Family said...

"Mourn with those who mourn.". Your compassion is heartbreakingly sweet, not selfish.

Lyndsay said...

Love you, Melanie! I remember the confusing and awful feelings I had when you lost Gus. That was my first (albeit removed) experience with the loss of a baby. And while it wasn't my baby that I had lost, I still felt loss on another level. My heart broke for you and your family, I felt spiritually confused, I felt grateful for my children and a deepening love and appreciation for them, I wanted to help and love you but didn't know how, and I just felt unsure of the strange new sense of dark reality that had broken over my world as a mother. And it wasn't even my personal loss! So I know that it is completely valid for you to be experiencing this type of sadness and emotion. I think it is a great blessing that this family has another family in their own ward who has gone through this experience. I know that you can be a source of peace and hope for this mother when the time is right. You are such an inspiration, Mel! And a wonderful mama. :)