Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Precious Children

I found out this afternoon that a family in my ward lost their young son early this morning. My heart immediately broke. I was overwhelmed with so many thoughts and emotions that I did not really know how to handle so I just cried and cried.

For my friend and her family, I know so much of what they must be going through right now and it is a literal type of hell. I'm taken back to the first day after Gus' death and the emotions feel almost as raw as ever. The fact that someone I know and see on a weekly basis could be dealing with those same emotions, or worse, brings me a deeper, different kind of sadness I've never known before.

I'm confused and unsure of what it is I'm supposed to be feeling right now. I feel like I should take this as any other sad news of someone I know, but it feels different and closer and more difficult, for some reason. I feel selfish that I'm only thinking about myself and how this is affecting me right now, but I also feel like if I don't get a handle on my own emotions, I'll be no good to anyone, especially my own family who still very much needs me.

I'm really just free writing here to see if I can get a handle on things. I'll take a break for now.

Mostly, I just need to write down how much I love my children and how sad I am that one is still missing from our physical family. It's still so hard, yet I'm so thankful for my girls. The sadness/happiness balance I maintain on a daily basis is just leaning more toward the sadness for now.

Thank goodness for those two smiling girls up there. How can you not smile right back at them?


Neff Family said...

"Mourn with those who mourn.". Your compassion is heartbreakingly sweet, not selfish.

Lyndsay said...

Love you, Melanie! I remember the confusing and awful feelings I had when you lost Gus. That was my first (albeit removed) experience with the loss of a baby. And while it wasn't my baby that I had lost, I still felt loss on another level. My heart broke for you and your family, I felt spiritually confused, I felt grateful for my children and a deepening love and appreciation for them, I wanted to help and love you but didn't know how, and I just felt unsure of the strange new sense of dark reality that had broken over my world as a mother. And it wasn't even my personal loss! So I know that it is completely valid for you to be experiencing this type of sadness and emotion. I think it is a great blessing that this family has another family in their own ward who has gone through this experience. I know that you can be a source of peace and hope for this mother when the time is right. You are such an inspiration, Mel! And a wonderful mama. :)