Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Gus would be 5


The tender moments I've shared with Pearl in her short 6 months have given me a sort of grip on having lost a baby at such a young age. They have not, however, prepared me for the next milestone we'd be approaching if Gus were alive.

He'd be starting Kindergarten this year. Thinking about all the emotions and things Gracie has done in this past year makes me so sad to realize we won't be able to experience those with Gus. I wish so badly I could see the trials and triumphs of Kindergarten for him. Whenever I'm thinking like this, I remember that it would also be so hard, but just from the frustration to joy ratio Gracie has given us, I know Gus could have given us the same in so many different ways.

It's too much to think about sometimes. Each year brings a new experience I realize I will not be able to have in this life with my Gus and that makes each year hard in it's own way. I'm happy to have made it this far, but I know there will always be more to go, which can be overwhelming.

The time from June 22nd to August 1st has always been the most challenging period of each year for me. It brings my sensitivity to Gus and his spirit right to the surface and my emotions run high. I've tried fighting it each year, but I know accepting it can only help me manage better.

I say every year that I don't understand anniversaries and dates and how they can possibly affect me this much and it is still so bizarre to me how it all works. But it's what happens every year and I can't fight it just because I don't understand it. That would be more illogical that the problem itsself.

So we'll see how the next 5 weeks go. Luckily, one of the weeks I will be with my family for the Rick & Pam Family Reunion. Thank goodness for family and my faith.

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