Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Remembering Gus: 5 Years Later

With Gracie understanding more and more about Gus,
we took to opportunity this year,
on the anniversary of his death,
to really talk about him as a family.
We looked through his book at pictures of him
and Gracie sat and thought about him a few minutes
after we discussed why he wasn't here with us.
It was so sweet.

Then Gracie showed Pearl pictures of Gus
and explained to her who he was
and what he was doing now.
She told her Gus was all grown up
(which I don't ever remember telling her)
and that he was living in heaven.

 Then we went to his grave as a family
which we have never done before either.

Five years is such a long time for anything. Different emotions come with each year and each year is a different battle on how to handle them. This year, the emotional 5 weeks between his birth and death was quite a bit easier, but more thoughts bring more sadness of more things we won't have with him.

My heart is just aching for him today. Hugging Pearl has been my best consolation. Feeling her warm little body next to mine letting me hold her as close as I can is like a balm for my soul. The way she has filled my aching arms so perfectly has been the best kind of therapy I've ever had since the loss of Gus. And now when I think of him, instead of the pain wracking my entire body, only my heart aches and yearns for him, which is still hard but much more manageable.

What a horrible thing it is to lose a child and to have them gone for the rest of your life. Never knowing what he could have been or what small traits he might have carried throughout his life that may have reflected on his father and mother.

The best thing about the situation is that my testimony of my church and my belief in eternal families is stronger than ever and grows stronger with each passing year. Through his death, the spirit has given me more than I even could have hoped to receive on my own. Strength and maturity have taken their place in my life and priorities have become violently obvious.

My life is better because I had this boy and suffered through his abrupt return to his Heavenly Father, only to come out stronger on the other side of the wall that presses on you telling you to quit. The gospel, my husband and my family helped me through that wall and I stand here a better person because of this ongoing trial.

I love my family. I love my faith. I would not be alive without them. 


Lindsee said...

Thank you for posting and being so honest. I can't even begin to imagine how it all must feel. A sweet family I know lost their two year old Sunday night and reading your testimony and outlook is very comforting. So thankful for the gospel and the truths we know.

Robin said...

I love you a lot. You are a great example of strength and endurance and faith and hope to me. I'm so glad we are buds!

Neff Family said...

<3 Sometimes the words are hard to find. But you found them. You're amazing. Thank you for sharing. Love you.