Wednesday, November 21, 2012

What Was Really Taken

Here is Pearl with the bear I was given by the hospital where Gus died. It's filled with something heavier so it feels like the actual weight of a baby. It's pretty wonderful and this picture of Pearl hugging it tight makes it that much better.
When our house was broken into last week, among other things, they took my jewelry box. If you know me, you know I really don't wear jewelry so everything I had in there was of significant importance to me. My wedding pearls, a bracelet I'd bought after Gus died to keep as a reminder, a necklace my parents brought back from Egypt last year that was silver and had Robby's name engraved in Hebrew. As I listed all these things to the investigator, Robby and the insurance company, I kept remembering other things that I'd kept in there: a pearl necklace my grandparents brought me from the Philippines, a pair of diamond stud earrings I've had for years that were my go-to pair, and another pair of earrings Robby and Gracie picked out for me for Christmas one year.
When I realized the necklace with Gus' ring was also in that same jewelry box, I was so discouraged. But with everything going on, hadn't had a lot of time to process how truly sad it was. Today the list of items from the insurance agency came and I saw listed "gold ring, tiny baby size," I started to realize that my Gus Necklace was gone forever. I'll never be able to wear it around my neck and fiddle with the little ring whenever I am thinking about him. I'll never be able to wear it during family pictures to signify that he is still in our family.
As this is all sinking in, I'm devastated. I'm broken. I rocked my Pearl to sleep tonight quietly sobbing and when I laid her down, I fell onto my bed and sank into despair while I let the pain and emotion take over my body. Gus is gone. His necklace is gone. Never in this life will I see them again.
Usually when I write a post like this, I find some way to bring it all together in the end, reminding myself this pain will not last forever and there is always something good that will come out of the pain that I feel. But I can't find that right now. It seems so stupid but tonight I feel like I lost my boy all over again. And it hurts. And all I want to do is to be able to hold on, but all I can think about right now is my Gus, my necklace and my pain.
I guess it will probably take me some time, but I know the pain will gradually decrease as time goes on. And I suppose I can find some comfort in that.

1 comment:

Lauren said...

I am so sad for you. Seriously cried while reading this post. I really don't have any words of comfort or advice. I'm just so sorry. Why are people such jerks?! My wallet got stolen out of my car the other day and it was so frustrating. But no where near this level of frustration and sadness. Really so sorry Mel!